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Bra shopping, or, a journey into the pits of Hell


Two of my bras have broken in the past couple of weeks, and so with that, it’s time to go bra-shopping. Ugh.

There was a time when I really enjoyed bra shopping. I’d say it was a period of about three years after I had a breast reduction in 2002.

Considering the fact that I lost five cup sizes in the surgery, There was plenty of reason for the appeal. FINALLY I was able to set foot into a bra store and be able to wear all the cutesy, lacy bras that all my friends wore. No more of those horrible Goddess or Bali boulder-holders! I could wear flowers and polka dots and lace and satin! And underwires! Holy snot, I could wear underwires without fear that they would cut into my skin and stab me in the ribcage.

But then something changed. Everybody’s favorite Hefty Hideaway, Lane Bryant, decided that women of size apparently needed EXTRA BOOBAGE. So they created these microfiber brassieres that were able to stand up by themselves. Or air bras to give you extra super cleavage.

So I’ve just dealt with it. “You wanna play dirty, Lane Bryant? Sure, I’ll wear your microfibery bras. Fine. Jerks.”

And eventually the microfibery bras didn’t work. And eventually things shifted around. So I went back to the store for a bra fitting.

That crazy lady at the Lame Giant told me I wore like an F or something. And I followed her advice and got one of her giant F-sized bras from the drawer and guess what? TOO BIG. That’s when I lost my trust in the Lane Bryant “bra fit experts.”

Now, to make things handy-dandy for us, here is a bra size calculator. All you need is measuring tape and you are good to go!

Now, I just looked around my apartment for measuring tape, but all I found was a tape measure. Sadly, i don’t think that’s gonna work.

So I’m determined to find a good bra, dangit. It may take purchasing some of these Bra extenders to get the right cup/band/what-not.

All I know is I lost two bras and my shoulders hurt with the ones I’ve been wearing. I had surgery to correct this problem!

Apparently I’m not the only one, as most women wear the wrong bra size anyway.

Stupid bra hell. Stupid hurting shoulders. Stupid microfiber crap. Stupid tape measure being made of some metallic material that’s impossible to conform to human skin.

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