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From Dolemite to Dogs: I amuse myself with Facebook’s new "Memorable Stories" feature

Have you noticed Facebook has added a new “Memorable Stories” section to its page? So while you’re perusing through the site you get to see these reminders of status updates you’ve left over the past five years.

The best part about this is that there are no dates or comments associated with the posts, so there’s no point of reference to many of these memorable moments. Here’s a sampling of the stories from my Facebook Days Of Yore:

Which came first: Blaxploitation or Dirty Harry? Because I’m watching Dirty Harry and I swear I saw all this before in Dolemite, only with a much lower budget and a hamboogah pimp.

Take Creed. Mix in a blender with excrement. You have this band i’m listening to.

When the douchebag neighbors slam their door and barrel down the stairs, it makes me love them more than I ever thought possible.

Oh dear. One Eyed Photographer just lost his street cred by admitting he likes the Manhattan Transfer.

Please copy and paste this to your status if you know someone or have been affected by someone who needs a punch in the face. People who need a punch in the face affect the lives of many. There is still no known cure for someone who deserves a punch in the face, except a punch in the face. But we can raise awareness…..

When I see Sam Waterston on the TD Ameritrade commercial I still think he’s trying to sell me robot insurance.

Dads, like puppies, are lovable and amusing, but also have a way of wearing you out.

…should know by now never to underestimate the power of loud, stupid people in large groups.

What is the Cantina Taco, and if I order it at Taco Bell does Max Rebo serve it to me?

…made Pro on Wii Tennis the other day. For those of you who haven’t achieved this yet, NOTHING HAPPENS other than earning the word “PRO” next to your name. You don’t get a bigger court, you don’t get the option of playing singles, you don’t get to fight Mike Tyson – nothing cool happens.

is learning that there really is a difference between “He’s just not that into you” and “He’s a stupid douchebag who should be set on fire.”

The trash heap has spoken. Meaaaugh.

If I really shared all my thoughts with you, I’d be typing “Boy, I have a lot of hair” half of the time.

Midnight snack = An orange! Covered in ranch dressing. ( Just kidding! It was only an orange.) :)

Dear ladies: Please do not screw around with men who are married to someone else. Because even if he fathers your child and promises you a rooftop wedding with the Dave Matthews Band playing, HE’S STILL MARRIED TO SOMEONE ELSE.

Dear Sarah McLachlan: I like your music and all, but for the rest of my life, whenever I hear “Angel” I’m going to feel guilty for not going and rescuing all those poor dogs. Thanks a lot. Love, me.

So there it is. My life, summarized in short snippets over a few years.

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