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How being the sober one at the bar is more awesome than you think

On Friday, I decided to do something I have never – and I mean NEVER – done before: Gone to a bar without consuming any alcoholic beverages. Even though I drove only myself, I took on a not-one-drop designated driver role just to see what happened.

What happened was a memorable night of bar awesomeness, and now I just don’t understand why people would fight over being the designated driver – or even still drink when they’re appointed the DD (you know you’re not supposed to drink when you’re DD, right?)

Anyhoo, it’s totally cheap! You basically go to the bar and play the cover for whatever crappy house band is playing. Then all you have to do is head to the bartender and say, “I’m driving. I’d like a (non-alcoholic soda of choice).”

They hand it to you, and you try to pay the bartender from your wallet, and bartender shoves his hand at you and says, “You’re driving. No charge.”

DUDE! It’s as SIMPLE AS THAT! So basically you’ve just paid five bucks and you get all the soda you want. It’s just like being at the “World of Coca-Cola! The only difference is that there are fewer seedy people and you don’t have to exit through a gift shop. It’s GREAT!

So already you’ve just paid five bucks for a night of entertainment. But will it be as fun being around all those drunk idiots? Oh HELL YES.

Especially now, because fashion is at its WORST. People have decided that apparently the 80’s were AWESOME, and that leggings and thigh-length off-the-shoulder blouses with loud colors and clashing belts are all the rage. OH – and jeans tucked into fur boots. HAWT. So there you sit, sipping on your diet soda with lime while all these idiots think they are at the peak of their game.

Please, 1980s fashion trends, leave. Leave us now.

You also get to see the one old dude who moves around the dance floor like a flailing idiot and who tries to make the moves on everyone. This is the best because as a sober person, you remember the cardinal rule to NOT MAKE CONTACT with this dude.

And because you remember this cardinal rule, you never find a photo of yourself like this on the Internet:

As people get more and more intoxicated, you get to laugh as the dudes try to get their game on with the chicks wearing tube tops and leggings.

So the night progresses, people get kicked out, and then it’s last call and they turn on the lights.

Most drunk people say “Oh FUCK!” when they figure out that the hot person they’ve been grinding up against is really 77, mulleted and toothless. But then their drunk goggles get back to work and guess who they go home with?

Not you, sober one! You get to shake hands with the bartenders you’ve just made pals with, see everyone off and safely drive home without fear of being pulled over by the cops. If you’re driving others, you may have to deal with a trip to taco bell and a bunch of yelling in the car, but better they’re yelling from the passenger’s side than you.

Going to the bar sober = highly recommended.

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