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Please tell me what being ‘really raped’ is, jerk.

sltuwalk

sltuwalkMy friend Slap Dash Mom recently wrote a heartfelt post about rape and rape culture. I encourage you to go over and read it. It has several real stories from rape survivors that usually included blaming and shaming the victim. Blaming women for drinking, for dressing provocatively, for basically doing everything but wearing a dress to her ankles and participating in a women’s knitting circle. Several more stories are in the comments section. Including mine.

Then there’s this know-it-all A-hole named “BMan” who wrote his own rules. Let’s see what this GENIUS has to say. I can’t even read it without clenching my fists, but you need to know that this is what we have to deal with ALL. The TIME:

Look…I feel for some of you ladies…especially the ones who were REALLY raped…like when you were a child or if you were VIOLENTLY raped. Those are real rapes. BUT….as bad as what you went through was…it does NOT change the facts ONE IOTA. WHAT FACTS? THESE:

1. YOU CAN REDUCE THE INCIDENTS OF RAPE BY BEING RESPONSIBLE AND NOT DRINKING

2. JUST BECAUSE A WOMAN CLAIMS RAPE DOESNT MAKE IT TRUE. (YOU MAY POSSESS BLIND HATRED FOR ALL MEN BUT THAT IS NOT EVIDENCE)

3. THE WAY YOU DRESS DOES IMPACT THINGS…BECAUSE IT CALLS ATTENTION TO YOU.

4 NO DOES NOT ALWAYS MEAN NO (SAD BUT TRUE…SOME WOMEN SAY NO WHEN THEY MEAN YES…THEY LIKE TO FEEL IRRESISTIBLE… I KNOW THIS FROM EXPERIENCE…AND I HAVE NEVER ONCE HAD A WOMAN ACCUSE ME OF RAPE)

5. AS NOTED IN THE ARTICLE THE GIRL WHO WAS RAPED SHOULD WITHOUT A DOUBT BE CHARGED WITH UNDERAGE DRINKING…YOU WOULD WANT THE GUY CHARGED WITH IT IF THE GIRL SAID HE RAPED HIM…SO WE JUST WANT YOU LADIES TO FEEL “EQUAL” . SO WE CANT CODDLE A LAW BREAKER..HECK SHE MIGHT GO OFF AND DO THAT AGAIN…AND WE CANT HAVE THAT NOW CAN WE?

6. IF YOU DONT SCREAM OR FIGHT ITS NOT REAL RAPE…YOU ARE JUST HAVING FUN AND YOUR REGRET LATER DOES NOT MAKE IT RAPE NOW. (EXCEPTION…UNLESS HE HAS A GUN OR KNIFE..AND YOU ARE GROWN UP)

7. IF YOU WANT EQUALITY WITH MEN THEN YOU MUST TAKE THE BAD WITH THE GOOD. TAKE YOUR LEGAL PUNISHMENTS LIKE A MAN…SO YOU SHOULD BE LOBBYING FOR WOMEN TO GET JAIL TIME THE SAME AS MEN DO FOR EQUAL CRIMES…AND DOUBLE TIME FOR FALSE RAPE CLAIMS

8 STOP MAKING EXCUSES AND MAKING STUPID CATCHPHRASES LIKE NO MEANS NO….IF YOU ACT LIKE A WOMAN AND STOP TRYING SO HARD TO BE A MAN THEN YOU WILL SEE THAT MEN WILL RESPECT YOU AS A WOMAN AND PROTECT YOU…AND IF A MAN DOES DO WRONG TO YOU …OTHER MEN WILL BEAT THE SNOT OUT OF HIM FOR YOU.

I’ll let you curse to yourself at this point.

Sadly, B-Man’s thoughts are shared by a lot of people – men AND women – in today’s world.

I shared my story on SDM’s page as a comment. Here it is. Only this time comes with edits and visuals!

It was the summer of 2008. I went out drinking with a good friend, her husband and some of their friends at the time. We had a

Don't I look foxy? Yeah, this was taken hours before I was raped. Is it weird that I still like this photo? This shirt is still hanging in my closet.

Don’t I look foxy? Yeah, this was taken hours before I was raped. Is it weird that I still like this photo? This shirt is still hanging in my closet, even though I haven’t worn it since that night.

designated driver. I was going to stay at my friend’s house, in her kids’ room (they were off to see relatives). After we went out drinking, we had an after-party. There was a man there who was going up to the girls and lifting up their dresses.
Yes, I was drunk. And I went to him while everyone else at the after-party was there and I cursed at him, telling him you do NOT do that to women, that it is NOT cool at all.
Afterwards, that same man started pursuing me. I rejected his advances as I became more and more tired. And eventually I went to my guest bed to pass out. He came in and got in bed with me. Kept telling me he wanted to be with me. I still remember his lisp and the smell of cheap, heavy cigarettes on his breath. I managed to chase him out and lock him out of the room.

Then, I had to get up to use the bathroom. And he followed me again. Got in bed with me. Tried to arouse me. This time, I tried to run out the door and scream for help (all the other party guests were out on the deck). He held me back. And at that moment, I made the decision: “I’m not going to get out of this, so I might as well make the most of it.” I went back to bed as he locked the door.
He did things to me that I enjoyed – not because it was him, but because I was a woman and women get aroused. And I reciprocated. When he was ready to have intercourse, I told him he needed a condom because I had an STI. So instead of getting a condom, he decided to sodomize me.

Was he forceful on me? Did he hold me down? No. But I’d already tried that fight. I remember that as he was doing the things I enjoyed, he asked me if I wanted him to come by my place every day and do those things. I told him, “No, just get this over with.”
When it was over, he asked me to give him a ride home. I cursed at him again and went to sleep.

I didn’t remember most of these things when I woke up the next morning, because I was hungover. I just thought he was another one-night-stand. And of course I told friends who weren’t at the party about it, oh, ha-ha. But then as I started remembering more things, something in my gut told me he did something that wasn’t right.

I shared it with some friends who lived elsewhere and didn’t attend the party, and when the first one said, “I don’t think you were raped,” something in me snapped. My friends told the same things Bman was saying. I shouldn’t have dressed the way I did. “Oh, I was REALLY raped, you weren’t.” I shouldn’t have been drinking. “You’re just trying to draw attention to yourself.” I should be more careful who I hang out with.

Not being believed was more painful than the rape itself. I felt like the girl who cried wolf. I was dared to report it to the police – but I was a reporter at the time and I did not want my coworkers reading my sworn affidavit. I did not want news stories in the paper I worked for on the front page, even if they kept my identity private. I did not want the public to know about me. I didn’t want to talk with police officers that I had worked with in a professional capacity. And I knew that since he and I were the only ones in the room, that my chances of winning a case were nonexistent.

It’s been five years, and I’ve healed enough to the point in which I have no shame or regret in telling my story. People need to know. And something needs to be done. And if someone tells you they think they were raped, the first thing you do is BELIEVE them. If the person is making a false accusation, it will eventually come out. Then you deal with it. And never, but NEVER, tell someone whether they were “really raped” or not. Unless it’s your body, you do not know.

“If I am a woman and I am walking down the street naked, you still don’t have the right to rape me.” ~Dick Gregory

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  • H October 24, 2013, 9:24 pm

    That man sounds like a rapist.

    Thank you for sharing your story. I think it is very important to speak back to the ignorance.

    Reply
    • Bellesouth
      Twitter:
      October 24, 2013, 9:34 pm

      A lot of people have said that about his comment.

      I think it’s important for survivors to come forward. The more voices are spoken, the stronger we get. Thanks for reading and commenting.
      Bellesouth recently posted..Solving Sebastian’s Snarkiness with Solgave Animal Solutions – Northwest Arkansas Dog TrainingMy Profile

      Reply
      • Leslie October 24, 2013, 10:34 pm

        I decided I would also post my story here as well, you are right, the more that tell our stories, the louder our voices will become! Thank you for sharing yours, and for giving courage to those that have never before had the chance for their voices to be heard.

        The first time I was raped I was a drunk 20 year old active duty service member on a detachment with my command. I went out with a fake ID, I left base with two women, and I went to an establishment in which many in my command were present. I declined to dance with an officer because I was terrified of getting in trouble for fraternization. When the bar closed, I left with one of the females I arrived with, as well as other members from my command in a duty van that was supposed to be going back to base. My friends decided they were not done drinking yet and wanted to go to another bar; since I was under age and did not have a bouncer that agreed to let me in this establishment, as we did at the last, I decided to stay in the van. Another co-worker stayed in the front passenger side of the van, and I laid down on the floor between some of the bench seats in the very back of the van because I was exhausted. I fell asleep and felt nauseated when I woke up; I realized this was because my squadron mate was raping me. I started throwing up on him and he quickly got off of me. Was it my fault I was raped? Absolutely Not.
        The second time I was raped I was a drunk 21 year old active duty service member. I was at a friends house, asleep on a pallet on the floor in the same room as another female friend and her boyfriend. During the night, a sailor that had been at the party came in the room, got on my pallet, and started rubbing me. I said no multiple times, and still have no idea he if ever heard me or not. I froze completely, he raped me, finished, went to wash himself off, and told me the next morning in front of the entire group of people at the home “No offense, but you can’t turn a hoe into a housewife” implying we had consensual sex to the others present. Was it my fault I was raped? Absolutely not.
        I later entered into a relationship willingly with someone I thought I could trust explicitly and loved with all of my heart. He emotionally abused me daily, as well as forced me to be in many other unmentionable circumstances. When my boss decided to run his hands up my legs and under my shirt in the back office of the hotel I was employed at, while his wife and children were in the room next door, and I was a sober 23 year old civilian, I ran out of that place and refused to go back. He, the man I once loved and that vowed revenge on my boss, made me go back to get my paycheck and to face my ex boss again, in which he couldn’t help but mention how much of a slut I looked like, and that my clothing was the reason he felt it was appropriate for him to touch me. When I was raped by a co-worker in my home, a person I had been staying with at his parents home in the spare room alone, that I trusted to keep me safe and away from the man that caused me so much pain and sucked the will to live from me dry from daily abuse, took me home so I could check on my dogs. I again fell asleep in my own bed that night and was awakened by my supposed friend raping me,I said no during the incident, he didn’t stop, he finished and left, and I never spoke to him again. The next day my abuser showed up and saw that I was upset, he asked me what was wrong, and I told him; what else was I supposed to say? He again claimed he would get revenge, but then decided to instead blame me insisting that I must have wanted it and I was a “disgusting nigger lover” because I had decided to have sex with a black man. Was it my fault that I was touched in manners I did not want to be, abused and living in a world of domestic violence, and raped yet again while sober and intoxicated? Absolutely not.
        Could I have made some better decisions and choices in my life? Absolutely.
        Could have I have made better choices about the company I kept and decided to become involved with?
        Absolutely.
        Do people make choices, mistakes, or decisions because they are allowed to, and allowed to do so in any manner that they choose?
        Absolutely.
        None of these events were caused because of the things that I did in any of these circumstances. They were caused because the men that inflicted these wounds and scars on me wanted to do so. It did not matter if I was drunk, sober, clothed, naked, or for any other reason, other than the men that chose to rape and abuse me did so because of their own decision making process, a process that I could not control or change in any manner, no matter what my actions were, ever.
        Rape and Abuse happen because the rapist and abuser choose to make these actions happen, and for no other reason. Rape and Abuse are never the survivors fault, EVER, for any reason!

        Reply
        • Bellesouth
          Twitter:
          October 24, 2013, 10:58 pm

          Absolutely horrific, Leslie. The number of rapes that occur in the military infuriates me. Especially when you see how few anyone does about them. Much love.

          Reply

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