Every year my family and I engage in what has become an annual Thanksgiving tradition: We go through my grandmother’s latest copy of the Neiman Marcus Christmas book and pick out the gifts we’re going to get each other in magical, over-indulgent Neiman Marcus Christmasland.
This year Neiman is celebrating 50 years of announcing and giving out obnoxious “fantasy” gifts, ranging from His and Hers Shar Peis, to a life-size Lego sculpture of you and your spouse, to a Jack Nicklaus golf course. Prices range from the thousands to the millions of dollars.
I decided to keep it simple this year and just ask for a few things – but first, this is what I’m going to get my brother and sister-in-law:
This is the His & Hers Metroship Luxury Houseboat. This 48-foot-by-12-foot-by-7-foot dreamhouse on water features remote power access, a Nintendo Wii console, twin 60-horsepower engines, a W Luxury Hotel bed and pretty much everything you would want already installed. I think it’s well worth the $250,000 to give them a nice place to spend their summers.
I have not forgotten my dog, who is quite the ladies’ man and needs a nice ride for when he’s taking his girlfriends to the dog park. So this is what I’m getting him:
Here it is, the Tory Burch Family Chariot Electric Tricycle. There’s even a spot for him and his special lady in the back. Obviously I’m going to have to hire a driver to take the two around about time, but isn’t it just lovely? The seats are plush, the canopy is retractable, and the electric, earth-saving trike turns on in the flip of a switch. There’s even a basket in the front that can hold a lovely bottle of vintage still water and some fresh dog treats from the bakery. I’m sure they will look splendid and will be admired on this lovely machine. With a price tag at $4,500, I’m positive my pooch will make sure it pays for itself in a short time.
Of course, I haven’t forgotten about myself, so this is what I’ve asked Santy Claus to get me:
Who cares about those in need when you have this Edible Gingerbread Playhouse by Dylan’s Candy Bar? Marie Antoinette said, “Let them eat cake;” I say, “let them watch me gorge myself sick on lollipops and fondant.” This house is 6.6 feet tall, 5.5 feet wide and 4.1 feet deep. You can walk inside it. It has thousands of real, bona fide gourmet sweets inside and outside. Gumdrops. Cookies. Chocolate. Mints. A Candy-Encrusted roof. It’s the gift that says, “Daddy loves you the mostest in all the world.” I believe this is also on Kanye West’s Christmas list.
It’s so nice to know that even in this time when one in six families live below the poverty line, when people are struggling to find jobs or keep the jobs they have, and when parents are telling kids that Santa Claus is tired this year and won’t be able to make as many gifts, that we have the Neiman Marcus Christmas book to remind us all that there is awesomeness to be had – or rather, to look at and drool for a little while.