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The Shredded Wheat Conspiracy

My mother has had this morning routine for the past 20 years or so. This “morning” may not start until 11:30 a.m., but she cannot officially start her day without a glass of Minute Maid orange juice, a coffee mug full of Sugar-Free Cafe Vienna, and a bowl of spoon-sized shredded wheat.

I am not so picky. I really don’t care for shredded wheat, I prefer apple juice and I don’t drink coffee on a regular basis, so I don’t have a dog in this race. But I swear there is a full-blown conspiracy in local stores to keep the stock of spoon-sized shredded wheat to a bare minimum.

I’ve discovered this upon going to the many shopping establishments in Bizzle County, Arkansizzle.

This is what I’ve discovered: Walmizzle does not carry plain ole, spoon-sized, shredded wheat.

Oh, they sell other types of shredded wheat. The giant biscuits. The Wheat and Bran. The lightly frosted and the Honey-Croasted.

And about seven thousand different kinds of Frosted Mini-Wheats.

Mom was pointing this out to me while we were grocery shopping last week and noticed her favorite cereal missing from the shelves. There wasn’t even a place for it.

She pointed out the strawberry, blueberry, boysenberry, Goji and Acai varieties of sugar-frosted mini-wheats you could find. “They’re shoving this (expletive) down kids’ throats!” (Since moms never, never, EVER curse, just imagine she really did say “expletive” and not something else.)

After much contemplation we settled on the Shredded Wheat N’ Bran (“But I don’t have to like it!”), she said.

This week we went to the smaller, employee-owned, non-Walmizzle store and she found not only the name-brand spoon-sized shredded wheat, but also a store brand as well. Fortunately she’s not so picky that she’ll pay for a fancy logo on her box of cereal.

I just don’t get this. Spoon-sized, unsweetened shredded wheat should be readily available in every grocery store in America. It’s like baseball. Or television. Or Chee-tos. It’s a part of life.

Are they gonna take away our Cheerios next? Our corn flakes? Our All Bran? What’s going to happen if even the grown-up cereals are covered in frosty goodness?

Incidentally, I do eat a grown-up cereal covered in frosty goodness (Fiber One Caramel Crunch. I can’t help it, people!)

Oh, also, this employee-owned, non-Walmizzle store is also apparently the only one in the area that carries the sugar-free Cafe Vienna. All the other stores sell it with the sugar. I even went on Amazon to try and find it and they were selling it for $84 bucks, while its General Foods International Coffees compatriots were going for like 21 bucks.

Is there a conspiracy to keep my mother’s days from starting? What did she do to you?

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