For the ump-jillionth year in a row, I am single on Valentine’s Day. I have pretty much decided I’m going to be a spinster, so I thought I’d do some looking around to see what company I’m keeping.
SPINSTER NO. 1: QUEEN ELIZABETH I
Took the throne at age 25 and stayed on it for 45 years. Queen Elizabeth was known for her heavy gowns, which required the assistance of many ladies in waiting. My next-door neighbor said that SHE heard that Elizabeth went through ladies in waiting like most of us go through underwear.
The biggest reason for the Lady-In-Waiting turnaround is that she rarely bathed but still required assistance for trips to the latrine.
So when the ladies would lift her dress, the resulting offensive odors would floor them so much that they would faint, fall gravely ill and have to be immediately replaced. The combination of her heavy, chastity-securing garments are also likely factors in why she just couldn’t nab a husband.
SPINSTER NO. 2: EMILY DICKINSON
Less than a dozen of Emily Dickinson’s poems were published before her death at age 55. Emily Dickinson frequently wrote poetry about stupid men, but is also believed to be the real author of the lyrics to the theme from Gilligan’s Island due to the eerily-matching rhyme schemes.
Emily Dickinson was a known boozehound, and her beverage of choice was a stiff gin-and-tonic with two limes and plenty of bitters.
Word on the street is that she consistently ordered these more “masculine” cocktails instead of Appletinis at the taverns she frequented, and held dart- and arm-wrestling champion titles at a number of pubs. This significantly reduced her chances at becoming a blushing bride, but made for great writing material. Gilligan’s Island remains a staple of theme-song history to this day.
SPINSTER NO. 3: LIZZIE BORDEN
Lizzie Borden (Called “Izzy” for short) was tried in the axe murders of her parents.
Little-known fact: Lizzie was the first accused killer to seek the counsel of Johnnie Cochran, who had Lizzie attempt to brandish the murder weapon in the courtroom. After it was observed by the jury that Lizzie’s dainty hands were too small to securely hold the axe in an upright position, Cochran delivered his famous closing-argument line: “If the axe does not fit, you must acquit.”
Lizzie was acquitted from all charges, but that was not enough to convince any man in the area that she would be the kind of girl to take home to mother.
So, single ladies: looks like you’re in good company this year. Happy Valentine’s Day!