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Your Craptacular Holiday movie guide!


The holiday season brings in a whole lotta movies. There are the Oscar hopefuls, the family favorites…and then there’s just the crap that should never have been made in the first place. Here’s some movies that are guaranteed to suck out your soul this holiday season.

Four Christmases

You know? I like Vince Vaughn. I like Reese Witherspoon. But the idea of them getting together for a Christmas movie just kind of makes me want to yack up my breakfast. This is probably one of the most awkward duos I’ve ever seen.

This film has everything in it: A cute couple that tries to avoid their family for the holidays, families that are really dysfunctional and creep everyone out, and one-liners that are realy, really lame. Ugh. Just horrible.

The Day The Earth Stood Still

Oh, awesome, another remake from a 1950s sci-fi movie. This is all we need for the holiday season. Oh great. Another film starring Keanu Reeves being Keanu Reeves. This is the movie your Matrix-trilogy-loving boyfriend will drag you to see this year because it looks like it will be just the most awesome film in history. When really it just looks like a tiny message hidden in a whole lot of special effects. Fail.

Seven Pounds

So the trailer doesn’t look too bad. But don’t fall for it! It’s a trap! Remember how he lured us in with Ali and The Pursuit of Happyness? This is the same shit! Just – don’t fall for it DON’T DO IT!!! It is a Will Smith trap of craptacular crappiness! I mean it! I don’t care how hot Rosario Dawson looks; she’s unreliable, too!

There are a few diamonds in the rough. Milk looks promising just because it seems to be about a forgotten politician who really did speak out when no one else did before him. Plus, it’s been really hard to find Sean Penn in a shitty role in recent years.

I think this next film is going to be swept under the rug; hell, it was released in the UK before it’s hitting U.S. theatres and it’s an American film. It’s called Special, it stars highly underrated actor Michael Rapaport, and it’s just – wow. Looks brilliant and funny.

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